It’s been about eleven months since I’ve moved to out to the Midwest. Since then, I’ve been living in this massive house with six other people.
A couple months ago, I was put in charge of finding new renters by my landlord who agreed to lower my monthly rent in return. And so, I went on a quest to scour the corners of the earth to find someone who wasn’t completely retarded, responsible, could pay their rent on time, and wasn’t a pain in the butt to deal with.
Little had I known, people fucking suck. Especially young women even though I am one.
I ended up meeting this white chick who was a law student in her mid-20s. She tells me she doesn’t drink, only hangs out with one of her friends, and doesn’t like having people over. I told her we don’t drink or party and this is just a quiet house for young professionals. She was “fine” with that.
Sounds a little too good to be true, right? A white girl who doesn’t like to drink and just studies law all day? Yeah, okay.
I mean, I had some female lawyer friends from DC who liked the idea of being a feminist that broke glass ceilings but really they were no different than any other girls I’ve ever known. They were just your typical cunts who loved bitching about every fucking thing, thought their snarky attitudes could compensate for their sub par looks, and wanted to find an alpha male while they rise through the ranks at McKinsey or some other top consulting firm.
Anyway, the lawyer chick ends up loving the room and gushes about how “cute” it is. Heck, we even talked about how she loves taking care of little baby animals on her parent’s farm in bumfuck Kansas. She was your typical basic bitch and honestly, didn’t seem that bad to live with.
It didn’t get any better from here on out.
She ends up moving in and leaves her shit all over the brand new kitchen. Every time she drank a beer, she put a bottle cap into her giant ass bottle cap collection which was stored in a massive jar on the counter.
I think there were over a thousand caps in that thing. She even posted a bunch of “Save the dates” on the side of the fridge that featured her ugly friends and some dudes who were so obviously told to smile during their engagement photo shoot.
This all happened within the first hour of her moving in.
That evening, she decided to invite a couple friends to watch the Final Four basketball game. She said only four of her friends were going to come over and have a beer or two and just leave after the game.
She ended up bringing fifteen of her friends over and trashing the entire kitchen.
There were beer bottles left on top of the fridge, trash bags upon trash bags that reeked of alcohol, and red SOLO cups littered all over the kitchen.
She woke up the morning after all the roommates complained that the entire house was a mess. In response, she said that she left beer bottles on top of the fridge because she plans on recycling them. Anyway, when you’re living with 6 other people, there’s no space to fucking recycle. Recycling is for idiots who produce way too much trash and want to feel better about themselves. It’s fucking trash and ends up in the same place.
What kind of idiot puts glass bottles on top of a fridge where they can fall, I thought to myself.
The day after, she wakes up, hungover and invites her black cousin and some white chick that no one evens knows. The white chick looks like some innocent blonde girl who honestly looks like she’s never seen a dick before.
I go downstairs and these two are snuggling it up and watching a movie like they own our place. They end up going upstairs to my roommate’s bedroom and end up banging for two hours straight.
I pretended to act surprised but it’s always the chicks who look like they’re not hoes end up being the biggest hoes ever.
What kind of person lets their best friend and their cousin bang on their own bed? Like what the actual fuck? People actually do that? People let their best friends and cousins bang?
The lawyer chick spends all of Sunday drinking crappy Tito’s vodka and spills a ton of beer over the router and the wifi stops working.
Two hours go by and her fat ass manages to land a Tinder date. Some old ass guy in his 40s comes over to our house and they go straight to the bedroom and bang.
Her room is right next to mine and they fuck for 30 minutes straight. At the end, the guy stops and says “It was pretty hard getting in at first but once I got in, it was pretty smooth”.
What the actual fuck? Who says that to someone after having sex?
All the guys in the house are messaging each other wondering how they’ve gone months without sex and how her fat ass managed to get banged within hours of meeting some idiot off Tinder. But you know, men are the ones with the “privilege”, right?
I message her the morning after and tell her that we need to go over the house rules. She protests like the bitchy law student she is. I fight it off and tell her we need to address the issues one-on-one.
We meet in my room. She’s dressed like a fucking slob. Messy hair in a bun. Sweatshirt and yoga pants that outline her skinny fat-ness. She takes a seat.
I tell her that it’s not okay to have people you just met 45 minutes ago spend the night because it’s a security issue, and that the roommates complained about some old ass man walking around the house. I also tell her that she’s can’t just leave bottles of alcohol out because the landlord has a no-alcohol policy in the house.
Like a little innocent bunny, she pretended to act like she didn’t know the rules, that she didn’t bang some random dude last night, and that she left her alcohol out because she’s trying to save the environment by recycling one Budweiser at a time.
She also said that she was being singled out because she wasn’t told the rules that the other male roommates were told. Female solipsism at its finest.
What rules is she even talking about? Isn’t it just common decency to not act like a drunk whore in a house filled with other people? Guess not…
She went on and said the only reason she wanted the room was because it had a nice porch which she wanted to use so she could get drunk with her friends in the summer. She said if she couldn’t drink with her friends on the porch, she doesn’t want to live here anymore.
As if that was the real reason she wanted to leave! She really wanted to leave probably because I outed her for being a drunk whore and she knew I heard it.
I gave her the option to leave if she didn’t like how things are. She decided to move out within a week.
The night before she leaves, she gets drunk and passes out on the couch in the living room we all share. All the guys in the house took pictures and made fun of her for it.
Five days go by and she moves out her stuff with the help of her Mom. Let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Her mom was just as much of a bitch as her daughter was except she was thin.
I still can’t believe that she decided to give up this nice house right down the street from her law school. She didn’t even have to pay extra for utilities.
None of that matters though.
Too bad now she can’t get drunk off her ass at the house and bring over random dudes from Tinder. I almost feel bad for how pathetic a 25-year-old woman can be. I can’t believe women like this exist and then act all surprised when you tell them that it’s not okay to be a drunk whore. Unbelievable!