About a year ago, let’s just say I wasn’t the wisest person ever and I decided to open up an OKCupid account and made some stupid decisions. I was desperate, wasn’t good with guys, and I honestly wanted attention. I wanted some guy somewhere to care of me.
At the time, I had no standards, not exactly the highest morals, and bad acne.
I ended up going out on what I thought were dates at the time with a guy who I later found out had a girlfriend. He wasn’t a good guy even though I thought he could be at the time. I thought the way he treated me was how most men treat women. I thought he was impressive but looking back, I was impressed by all the wrong things about him: his eyes, his alcoholism, his over-confidence bordering on arrogance, his sarcastic crassness, his atheism, and his ridiculous number count. Looking back, he wasn’t a good guy. I wasn’t a good guy. We were a match made in Hell!
Turns out the girl who was his girlfriend had many mutual friends with me and I ended up somehow finding out through Facebook. She ended up appearing in my suggested friends list.
Emotionally, it was devastating. When I saw the pictures, I cried. Cried at how close the girl seemed with her family. Cried about how happy they seemed together. Cried because she was the one who was in the picture and me and him had never taken any. Cried because they made history together and we didn’t.
You see, I ended up being way more vulnerable than I should have and did not end up getting what I ultimately wanted: a relationship. When I found out the pictures of this girl and him, I knew I had fucked up because ultimately, she got him. I didn’t. She had something he wanted. I had nothing he wanted. I was the loser. I was the one with the bad skin. I was the one who didn’t wear much makeup. My body wasn’t in the best shape it could be in even though I was pretty thin. Every flaw I had began to be feel like it could be multiplied times 10,000 because I wasn’t getting what I wanted and I wasn’t putting myself in the place to get what I want.
Looking back with what I know now, I’m not sure if I was relationship material. I wasn’t horrendous or anything but I wasn’t awesome either. I was kinda meh. My best friend was a lesbian who cursed and was super sarcastic at the time who I dormed with. I wasn’t great at cooking or cleaning. I dressed up feminine kinda but more like a hipster and none of it was terribly flattering. I also cursed a lot. I didn’t really have much faith in God. I wasn’t horribly close with my family which I saw maybe once a semester and called around once a week. I wasn’t exactly the cleanest person in the world but I wasn’t messy either. I could have taken better care of myself. I could have had better friends who didn’t just like to go out to frat parties and drink and talk about getting with frat guys. My grades could have been better. My skin wasn’t clear. And to top things off, I was single and lonely and none of this helped.
Things all kinda changed after I ended things with him. It was weird. I remember it being a Monday and I had no idea what to do. He ended up texting me “How are you?” a day after meeting together. I was furious but confused. I didn’t end up telling him that I knew about the girlfriend. So I just ended up writing a long text about how we wanted different things. He wished me the best of luck. I tried to not care but I mean I did.
I ended up investing 3 months with this asshole. I wasted my time. I was a shitty person. I was selfish for wanting something more when I was a nobody. I was mad. It was my fault for continuing to try to be with him even though he didn’t care.
And so my journey began.
I wanted to change everything. I became super insecure. I hated my nose for a while, blamed my ethnicity for not being able to find any good men, and got mad at my religion for fucking me over. Let’s just say I wasn’t the happiest person ever but I began to aggressively fight for things I didn’t before.
A week later, I met a dermatologist. Within three months, I got clear skin. That summer I cleared up my skin after three months, got better at makeup, sold all my old clothes on Poshmark and bought a whole new wardrobe. I even took classes and focused on research and volunteering. Still, it wasn’t enough.
After the summer time, school was in full swing and things changed a lot. Even more so!
I changed all my habits. I started waking up earlier. I became meticulous. I flossed twice a day. I made sure I followed my skincare routine religiously. I even exfoliated my body twice a week and shaved twice a week. I also started washing my hair twice a week as well which I didn’t do before. I made sure my fake nails were always on and always wore heels or cute boots. I even joined the fencing team. I wanted my life to be more together.
Then I think my personality began to change as well. I began to value my volunteering at a pro-life maternity center more. I really liked all the Catholic girls I was surrounded by – they rubbed off on me. I stopped cursing as much. Last semester, I think I got drunk three times compared to when I used to drink every week. This semester, I’m planning on going sober for life! I guess I kinda realized that I don’t want to drink – any way, it’s kind of a sin in my religion and my parents didn’t raise me like that!
I even had a dormmate but now she’s gone so I have an entire bed and bath to myself so I redecorated it and it’s super cute! I’m pretty happy. I also make sure I cook everyday and eat out only once a week. I don’t really care about guys because my life is pretty busy and I don’t really think I’m going to find my future husband at a party where I’m drunk or really anywhere at my super liberal college.
I got asked out by a guy and I guess old me would have said yes and entertained it. He wasn’t Muslim and anyway, he was leaving for New York in 6 months because he finished up law school – seemed like a bad idea so I stopped talking to him. I haven’t given up yet but I’m ready to be patient because God will let it happen when He does! I have more faith now.
I even told my Mom that I want her to give me a copy of the Quran, some prayer beads, and a rug because God is beginning to matter more and more.
Things aren’t perfect but you can say that I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. I think I made a lot of compromises on my happiness a year ago when I really shouldn’t have. I ended up going on dates with white guys, opening an OKCupid, hanging out with people who loved to do things like drink and party (which I never did growing up) and not investing in long term things like myself, my family, and God. I also was pretty stupid in thinking that American dating advice would apply to Muslims – trust me, it doesn’t unless you’re interested in dating a non Muslim.
I’m kind of glad that I closed my OKCupid after that encounter. I’m also glad that I don’t feel as desperate about the situation because I realized I had to fix things about myself before moving on. I’m also happier that I’m in a place to appreciate my race and my religion especially when it was something I kind of hated.
I want to learn Arabic. I want to open up a maternity center named after my last name. I want to find a husband. I want to be well spoken and look like a lady. I want to get better at fencing. I want to volunteer abroad or do Americorps. I want a better future. And I want to know right from wrong.