Figuring out who I am


I also have these little existential crises where I have no idea what to do with myself. Sometimes I’m angry that I’m single. Sometimes I’m angry that I’m not as pale as I was. Sometimes I’m mad that I was born into a faith that literally everyone hates.

I’ve figured out a couple things along the way:

  1. I don’t want to be a slut nor do I do anything to be one but I like to wear cute, feminine dresses that can sometimes be below my knees. Oh well.
  2. I don’t like to drink alcohol. It’s gross but I don’t mind being surrounded by it but I also feel like when I’m around people who don’t drink, we have better conversations.
  3. I believe in God and I want to learn how to pray to him. God humbles me everyday.
  4. I’m not sure whether I like Christianity or Islam. I like Christians as people but don’t necessarily believe in what they believe in. I like Islam as a faith but I don’t really like the people.
  5. I love being westernized but I don’t want to be the typical “basic bitch” kind of girl (someone who drinks Starbucks everyday, wears workout clothes but doesn’t work out, takes selfies all the time).
  6. I like to bake. I like flowers. I like dogs (even though Islam likes cats more). I like manicured nails. I like to take pretty pictures of myself, my family, and of my baking.
  7. I don’t like to be well known but I’m also used to being a low key person. I’m not sure if I’m okay with that. I’m kind of shy. It takes me a while to get used to people and things. I like to look around and see what’s out there and figure out things.
  8. I like to lead an active lifestyle. I spend atleast an hour a day in the gym. I’ve been getting into fencing and I want to learn how to surf and be a better runner.
  9. I like to eat healthy and I like my clear skin.
  10. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to be pretty. There’s a difference.
  11. I want a group of feminine friends and I’ve realized that the more feminine I get, the easier attracting other feminine girls is.
  12. I don’t really trust myself around guys. I give them the benefit of the doubt a lot of times and get screwed over. I have been getting better at respecting myself more and not caring about them if they aren’t giving me what I want (commitment).
  13. I used to hate my skin tone but I actually like it more and more. I’ve noticed that I tan easily but I look fine if I wear sunscreen and take care of myself. I still do want to change my eye color to green or blue. I think it would be most attractive.
  14. I don’t really like how Islam doesn’t have a community and Christianity does. I feel like Christians give more opportunities to people to do good things whereas Islam doesn’t because the mosque isn’t as central to Islam as the church is to Christianity.
  15. I like knowing a lot of languages and expressing myself using different ones.
  16. I get nervous around men or generally have no idea how to deal with them and a lot of times I just ignore them if I’m in their presence. It’s annoying but I also don’t like making the first move when it comes to guys.
  17. I like to win. I lost a lot in my last fencing competition and I got too nervous and anxious. I want to improve more and become more confident at being an athlete.
  18. I want a husband who believes in God but I also feel like I need to figure myself out first.
  19. I like fencing and want to continue until  I can’t. It’s such a weird sport, I can’t explain it but I like how it’s cool, not many ppl can do it, and that it is international.
  20. I think Greek, Italian, Turkish, some Arab, and some Pakistani men are the most beautiful and handsome. I don’t find pale white men or dark black men attractive. Olive skin with blue/green eyes is the most gorgeous!
  21. If I do continue to be a Muslim, I know I am not going to be like most Muslims and raise my children in a beautiful way so that they stay close to God but look secular. I will let my daughter wear cute dresses even after she turns 13 and no hijab and my son won’t have a beard. I want us to be a beautiful family that has a dog and look as American as can be! We won’t be backward.
  22. I like to be thin but most importantly fit. I want to have a 24 inch waist and developed glutes and long, slender legs.

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21-yr-old non-western red pill chick trying to make it out alive in the West. Pro-life. Pro gun. I can be sweet and salty. 50s lover.

2 thoughts on “Figuring out who I am”

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