It was my last night being a junior in college. I had a party in my room. We had some great conversations over pizza and beers.
When my friend left, she asked me if I needed any help cleaning up any of the trash cans. I just felt bad. I didn’t want to tell her I was vulnerable or that I needed help and she said, “Wow you’re so independent.”
I didn’t really think much of it but to be honest, I’ve always been very independent.
My parents immigrated to America. I always did my own thing because I don’t think they always knew what was best for me even though they were always very supportive. I always figured how to do things my own way because I had lots of problems and I just never really ended up liking how other people did things. I’ve probably been in a hundred groups and participated in tons of group projects and every time, I’m always the one initiating, getting the group together, and leading the group.
To be honest, I always felt like people disappointed me and I really only ever did have myself to get the job done well and properly.
And, I always felt like I put in a lot more effort than everyone else. I honestly could never be the submissive one in the group. I always had an opinion. I always wanted the best grade. I am and always was very ambitious and driven.
But when I came to college and wanted to get a man, I realized early on I couldn’t be the one asking the guy out on dates. I also couldn’t kiss guys first either because they stopped liking me if I did and lost interest. I realized I needed to stop being more aggressive.
For a while, I thought being aggressive helped but really, it did nothing for me. I thought by putting myself out there and opening more online dating profiles and by asking more guys out, I was doing myself a favor. After all, how was I supposed to get a guy?
I never thought a guy could come up to me and want me. I didn’t really understand how a girl is supposed to just sit around and wait for someone to ask her out. I also really didn’t understand what I was supposed to do before I get asked out. Am I just supposed to be single? Am I just supposed to wait and do nothing.
Being an “independent” woman makes me feel scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared because even though I want to get a job and do well for myself financially, I know men don’t care. In my family though, being a doctor is a huge SMV boost.
I don’t want to end up 28 and single. I want to take care of kids because that is my passion in life but I want to make my husband and my family a priority. I don’t want to fuck random hot guys even if I know I can have them sexually but can’t have them commit. I also don’t really want to be a feminist, independent woman.
But I also don’t think that girls shouldn’t be told to accomplish nothing and just hang around for a man to sweep in and marry her because that’s absolutely pathetic. I don’t think we live in a world where that’s still possible in western society. Sure, I know of some housewives in my family where the woman stays at home and cooks and cleans while the husband earns about 1 mil a year as a cardiac surgeon but the chances of me landing that kind of deal are slim to none.
In my family, I have a cousin who graduated college and didn’t really do much and got a husband who also didn’t really do much. My other cousin got married yesterday at 28 and is a successful lawyer and ended up marrying a well-off general physician.
I still think my other cousin has it better but I’m not too sure if I want to wait till I’m 28. That seems eons away.
I guess life is about balance, anyway.