Mindset is More Important than Race when Dating

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I’ve always been fascinated by race.

I think we all are to an extent but we’ve been shamed into thinking that commenting on race makes us racists. It’s kind of pathetic.

It’s just a part of who we are. It’s part of our identity. It just matters on some level. It’s cool to connect with someone who looks like you and shares similar values.

I’ve been Ubering in and out of DC a lot recently to meet up with friends and almost every time I get into one, the driver always asks me where I’m from.

Is that racist?

Nah.

I don’t really see it as racist. I don’t really even see that as xenophobic either since most of the people who ask me these questions are immigrants and people of color.

Even if they are white, I just assume they’re simply curious not because they think I’m not from here simply based on skin tone all the while knowing that I live in a white-majority country.

Anyway, they had no reason to question my citizenship or status in America since I was born and raised here in NYC, dressed like a Westerner, and sometimes, even sound like a Valley girl.

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I mean, when you have long jet-black hair and tan skin you can be mistaken for being Indian, Pakistani, Afghani, Middle Eastern, Latina, and sometimes even Mediterranean so I don’t really blame any of these people regardless of their race.

When you look like me, you probably will not guess that I’m Persian with some Turkish and British blood who has parents from India.

Sometimes, they get it right though.

Most of the time, they don’t but I like to give people some slack. Anyway, if you asked me to differentiate between a German, Irish person, and a Brit or a Chinese and a Korean, from a  Japanese person, I would probably guess wrong too.

Is that racist? Nah. A bit ignorant, maybe. At least, I’m honest. Most people would not want to admit to that even though it’s true.

To be fair, I don’t really notice race is most situations. I don’t go out and my mind doesn’t think “This white person walked past me” and “I’m living with an Asian roommate”. It’s usually more like “This guy walked past me” and “I’m living with a roommate”.  Their race is tucked away in the back of my mind. I don’t think about it much.

Even when it comes to going out on dates, I never used to care much about race.

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My first and only ever boyfriend I had was a blue-eyed  German-Irish boy with long blonde hair who was really good at playing multiple instruments. I thought he was a hot version of Kurt Cobain who I desperately wanted to be alive when I was 17 years old.

I know, I know. I was an idiot.

Our relationship did not pan out well not but I would never solely blame it on race because that was only one of the many differences we had.

Ever after him, I continued to date white men usually of German/Irish ancestry because I tend to be surrounded by them. I think I have been attracted to men with blue eyes since I was little and thought they were exotic to me just like how they probably thought I was exotic to them.

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Looking back, I don’t really think I was trying to specifically go out of my way to date a specific race or group of men though. It kind of just happens when you’re surrounded by them. I just liked the idea of being with white men even though we didn’t seem to have much in common usually when it came to our mindset as I later found out.

The men I dated liked to eat bacon and drink beer, were way more adventurous than me and my father, and kept dogs which I never had in my home (but I like the idea of having a white lab!).

They usually didn’t seem to know much about their heritage and had a rough idea when I asked them about it, liked sports like swimming, polo, or tennis, and were not really materialistic.

Many worked in the government/military/business, came from a divorced home usually but their parents had remarried at some point or had a boyfriend/girlfriend now, and largely believed in egalitarianism.

On the other hand there was me.

I never ate bacon growing up in a Muslim home nor did I drink, was not really adventurous aside from seeing my father hunt elk, and never had a dog but I thought they were cute.

I loved my Persian heritage and liked to talk about it, grew up with a penchant for wrestling, had family working in medicine or business, and liked soccer and fencing.

I am somewhat materialistic and own some luxury goods, am grateful for having parents married for over 30 years, and grew up around people who could be viewed as largely sexist or classist.

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Your average Persian fam

Those weren’t huge deal breakers or anything but when stacked up together, they really made me feel disconnected. After two years of dating, I realized even though many times I was attracted to them physically, there really wasn’t anything else there. It didn’t matter if I went on three dates or thirteen; I just got sick of not being able to bond. I got sick of looking at someone who didn’t look anything like me.

Then again, some of those differences existed  because we came from different backgrounds and have a different race but many of those differences stemmed from the fact that we had different mindsets and ways of approaching life.

I’ve gone out on dates with all kinds of white men. Upper class. Lower class. Middle class. Some of them really loved their heritage, knew where they were from, and loved their background. For others, it didn’t matter so much.

I really liked the guys who knew where they came from and loved their heritage and I tended to bond with the ones who are upper middle class just like me. They believed in the same things I did and had the same mindset. That was key.

Like I said, you can’t generalize.

But, when I dated them, for whatever reason, it just did not feel right. When I walked around and saw couples that looked like each other, I remember going out on a date and thinking “What the heck am I doing with this guy?”. I questioned the legitimacy of being with someone of another race when surrounded by people who had partners of their own race who looked like they were practically siblings at cocktail parties.

It didn’t help when people would randomly come up to us on the street and tell us that we looked good together. It didn’t help when the waitress on dates would tell us we looked beautiful. Those compliments sounded forced and automated. I couldn’t help but think they’re crazy.

Or maybe I was a crazy racist.

I did not want to be exotic. I didn’t care about having the hypothetical “beautiful interracial babies” we are supposed to have. I thought that just sounded weird and fetishy. I just wanted to be normal.

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I thought 2016 would be different. And so, I tried to date my own kind.

White men weren’t the problem though. It was partially me. I am a bit tribal. I am mostly Persian. I like the idea of dating other Persians all the while living in a white-majority country.

I liked being around them mainly because I’m almost never around them and when I am, it just felt nice. I wanted someone who looked and sounded like me. I wanted someone who just “gets it”.

I wanted someone who could relate with having immigrant parents. I wanted someone to come home to and make chai for. I wanted someone to say “Salam” too. Persians excite me.

I wanted someone who could articulate their views on Islam good and bad and not just say “Oh, they need to be deported. They’re all ISIS. Fuck Islam.” because well, it’s more complicated than that. I didn’t feel like I need to explain these things to someone I’m with.

But, that does not negate the fact that white guys can be pretty good-looking or take good care of their women. I mean, I do not hate white guys nor will I ever.

My father’s great-grandparents are British and most people in my family are well integrated into the US because they went on and married outside their race. They did not just want to form a little enclave and network within.

I think white guys are fun to hang around, have a good sense of humor, and tend to be more open about dating and stuff than some of the Persian men I know.

I just figured most white men probably would date their own so I never used to even bother dating them. The idea of it sounded cool. The reality, not so much. I mean why wouldn’t someone want to date their own kind? Why wouldn’t someone want to be with someone like them? This isn’t even about race. It’s simple: like attracts like.

According to a Pew Research Center survey from 2008, I wasn’t wrong to think how I do. I mean, whites are the least likely to marry outside their race. But they don’t seem to be too tribal when it comes to dating in liberal cities DC or in NYC as I have seen. Marriage is different though and a much bigger commitment.

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And so I did go on to date someone who was more like me. Unsurprisingly, our chemistry was unbelievable. I didn’t feel weird about spending time with him and he didn’t feel weird wanting to introduce me to his family. I was pretty surprised when he used to talk about his family because I had never really reached that point with other guys I’ve dated in the past.

When we’d walk around together, it did feel normal although we had other issues and haven’t stayed together, I definitely did feel somewhat better about dating my own.

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I felt at ease and didn’t feel like every time I would go one step forward, I would go one step back. There was always this reluctance I had with dating outside my own race. It just felt odd and fleeting.

Would I date one for marriage? I don’t know.

Race for me is not a deciding factor at this point. It isn’t something I think about much when their mindset matters to me way more.

I’ve gone out with several people outside my race and within my race to come to the realization that their mindset is way more important than their race. I’ve dated people within my race that I had 0 connection with because of the way they carried themselves. And I’ve also dated people outside my race for the same exact reason.

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But, I will say this:

I think it’s important to integrate into America which is mostly white and marrying one can be an essential part of the melting process in this giant melting pot.

I don’t really want to balkanize America and form my own ethnic enclave so my kids end up hating white people or majority of America because we choose to put our racial identity first. My nation is more important than my race and I refused to put my race first.

I also think that melting into the melting pot is part of a sacrifice that immigrants should make to pay homage to the people who came before us.

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My father didn’t come here to make up his own laws. He knew he had to learn English and that he would be mostly surrounded by mostly white people. After all, America was 90% white in 1970.

I think most immigrants who came here know this but don’t want to admit it. Lots of cognitive dissonance at work.

At the same time, I don’t want to forget my roots or where I came from. I think Indian clothes is beautiful. I think naming your child Xerxes is awesome. Zoroastrianism is pretty interesting to learn about as well. To this day, I still prefer eating Persian food on the reg.

But I also do not  want to be shamed for dating a white guy by people of my own kind because “I gave up on them” and be called a white supremacist or whatever nasty word they hurl at me.

Let’s be real. Not all white people are Nazis and not all Muslims are ISIS. Generalizations are pointless when describing large groups of people.

I don’t think people should be indoctrinated to engage in interracial dating because dating outside your race is more “exotic” or “cool” for doing so. At the same time, I don’t think marrying outside your race is inherently a bad thing and people don’t need to be shamed for doing so.

If I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it is that mindset is key. I care more about a person’s outlook on life than their skin color but I wouldn’t shame someone for thinking otherwise to take the higher moral ground.

 

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Published by

redpillchick

21-yr-old non-western red pill chick trying to make it out alive in the West. Pro-life. Pro gun. I can be sweet and salty. 50s lover.

17 thoughts on “Mindset is More Important than Race when Dating”

  1. thats beautiful but not everyone has that same mindset. you live up north so your experience will differ from mind. i live in the south and racism,discrimination is still pretty big down here. Interracial dating is accepted by most however the mindset of those who do date interracially is the issue speaking as a african-american female the mindset of many of my fellow blacks is the white or near to white is better. Due to our past, its been ingrained into us both conscious and subconscious that black is ugly. many black women use skin bleach cream to lighten their appearance, many straighten our hair because its seen as more acceptable than how our hair grows naturally out of our head. Also many of us either deny being black and some fetish mixed babies cause they wont be dark and have “good hair”.

    So for my people dating interracially is an issue due to the taboo. Many black men tend to either idolize or fetishize the white female while many black women see dating a white male as being a upgrade from a black man. Now if you want to be in a interracial relationship thats fine but do it because you actually love that person, sadly many of us that get with a white person tend to degrade our own people which is heartbreaking and sad and leaves many of us feeling ugly and unwanted which when many of us see how other cultures and races feel about those of a darker complexion which many of th2m hate. We as black people feel basically as if the way we naturally look is ugly and that no one wants us,not even our own people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah that’s pretty sad! Had no idea how bad it is in the South. If you like someone, it shouldn’t matter. And yeah I know tons of POC aside from people like yourself who want white kids or don’t like the melanin in their skin so they try to whiten their skin. Even I struggled with this because most of my family is much lighter than I am and my Mom would give me skin lightening creams (which obviously do not work nor should anyone use them).

      I say embrace what God gave you. Date ppl for their ideas. That being said I’m not for or against interracial dating. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. People shouldn’t simply blame race for things not working or things working out.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This rings very true to me. I don’t care what race people are, I care about compatibility. Mindset, passions, goals, etc. But, flip side of that is that compatibility is based on shared experience and people of the same race will share more experience. Most people will be happy dating people like them. Nobody should force them to do it. Nobody should force them not to do it. Their relationship is their business.

    For me, I’ve only ever dated people with the same general background as I have, because we have the most in common. They’ve been white, but I’d just as happily date someone else if we had as much in common. We just never do.

    Funny you mention the ‘where are you from?’ comment, because this is one of the biggest culture shocks I faced when I moved Can -> US. Back home you would expect to be asked that question, and it wouldn’t be rude. It would be the opposite. You’d be insulted if someone _didn’t_ ask you that. It’s a flattering question, because it means the other person is interested in your background, your story. Leave it to the Americans to see the hostility in everything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for reading Simon!

      Yeah, that’s fair to say. I mean I’ve dated several white guys and I think I’m pretty comfortable and used to them but then again when it comes to attraction, I prefer my own usually. Interracial dating is something ppl should be neutral about. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, oh well.

      Yeah, in US lots of immigrants or people if got asked that question would feel like you’re questioning their americanness and some ppl might go as far as to say they might not seem white enough or whatever. I ask everyone regardless of race where their family is from since US has only been around 300 yrs or so. Seems logical tbh.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Anthropologically, you are classified as Caucasian. Europeans, Persians, etc., are all considered Caucasian, because their ancestors originated in the Caucasus mountains and migrated.
    Hispanics are not another race, they are of Spanish descent, and Spaniards are white. Latinos are from central and south America, and can be of any race, see, e.g., Giselle Bunchen and Alberto Fujimori.

    I grew up near a major east coast city. My dad was an immigrant from South America. We were considered white. My Persian neighbors were also considered white. Brazil has even looser definitions; Halle Berry would be viewed as white, there, because she has paler skin and western features.

    I have lived and traveled all over South America since the 1960s, and people who claim to be POC in the US would spit in your eye if you classified them as anything other than white in their homeland.

    The “where are you from,” or “what mix are you” question is perfectly ok in some places, like Hawaii. Other places, not so much.

    What has happened over the past 30 years in this country is appalling – relationships that would have been considered same-race are now “interracial” because of slight differences in skin tone. Everyone is Balkanizing. That doesn’t end well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ive gotten told by POC that I’m a POC which I guess isn’t exactly wrong bc I am olive skinned but Persians aren’t exactly what I think of when I think of POC.

      Yeah, that’s true. I guess I don’t really consider myself white bc I’m not from a Nordic country nor am I German so for me when I go out with men of that ethnic background it does feel different although we’re both technically Caucasian

      Like

  4. Aloha from Hawaii, Aamina!
    I first saw you on Twitter, and I must say that you are quite Beautiful!!!
    And I wanted to comment on your blog post.
    I strongly believe that God Created us all as one race- Humans.
    We all come in different sizes, shapes, colors, & ethnicities (cultures), but at the end of the day we are all humans. God made us all with different “wrappers” so we would not be all the same! This world would be extremely boring if we all looked exactly alike.
    ALL the “different races” and other divisive things are because of the Big Lie called evolution!!!
    It is evolutionary garbage that teaches us that some are better than others, and the superiority crap!
    We are all people, and on the inside our bodies have the same organs & workings, and we are all exactly alike, except for the differences between male & female, obviously. Men and Women are made for each other, to go through life side by side. The differences that we do have are Complementary and NOT meant to make us competitive or superior to each other. Men are to be protective & provide for their wife & family, and women are to be supportive and caring for the husband & family, serving and loving each other as a Husband & Wife TEAM
    Feminism tries their best to say that men & women are equal & sex doesn’t matter, which is another outright lie! Evolution and Feminism are both totally inspired by Satan himself, in his (futile) attempts to thwart everything that God has designed us to be. And feminism is just women wanting to be like men- working and not having children, and all the rest of their evil schemes. That’s why they are so adamant about keeping abortion legal and easily available, because to some of them, children are just a “parasite” and the feminists want to be able to have sexwith anyone they want to, without the “consequences” of getting pregnant. And again, that is evil, because God created sex for the Husband & Wife to be able to show / share their love and their bodies with, and to strengthen the bonds of Marriage- God’s way.

    Anyway, when I was stationed in the Philippines with the US Navy, I met a woman that I fell in love with, I say she is my dream Woman, and we got married there, and I did everything to bring my wife (and then her Mother) to the USA. LEGALLY!!!
    It has not been easy to be married to a woman of a different culture, but as they say- Love is blind.
    we have been married for almost 30 years now, and we have 4 wonderful children together! We teach our children to be sexually pure, and remain abstinent, saving that for the person they marry!!! We can only give our Virginity to one person, and that should be the man or woman (of the OPPOSITE sex) that you marry. That is God’s perfect plan for sex for all of us humans!!!
    And my wife and I have been through so much together, we will never leave each other, and I Praise & Worship Jesus every single day, and I give Thanks for blessing me with such a wonderful woman to spend my life with!
    Being with my Filipina wife is a challenge, but she is very much worth it! My heritage is mixed, I am German, Irish, & Dutch ancestry, but that was a long time ago. My Parents were both born in America, so I just consider myself to be American, and don’t really think too much about where my family came from.
    We are all Humans, and that is what matters most to me. I know for a fact that I am a Child of GOD, and my real, Eternal home will be in Heaven!!! Life on this planet is but a temporary one, this is NOT my real Home!

    Thanks for the chance to tell you my opinion! May God Bless you with the Husband of your dreams!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your compliment!

      That’s awesome and I’m glad you’re happily married to your wife with kids. I’m sure you’re doing a great job raising them with good Christian values. I agree with a lot of what you said.

      Thanks for reading 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Black guy here. Love your blog. Always brightens my day to see a woman who totally embraces her femininity (still cannot believe i even have to say that).
    Ive been conflicted on this matter as well. Ive dated a black girl, a couple Mexican girls, and a white girl, and Ive still not come to a conclusion on it all. But i will say that the woman’s qualities matter above all else. I just ask myself: If she were to become pregnant tomorrow, would you panic or would you be ok? If its the former, I end the date early.
    I totally agree on wanting to relate to the person youre with. Im in an odd space because while i am almost entirely Black (Im related to Prussian royalty, apparently), I dont relate to most Black people. Im a Far right college kid in California… I often dont relate to my own family when it comes to politics and religion, or even mindset.
    So, ideologically, I relate more to the average white woman in another state, but part of that ideology says people maybe kinda should stay within their own race.
    I suppose I am looking for a Black girl, my age, who is very girly, traditionalistic, and ~virginal.
    We shall see.

    I heard about you through Cernovich, by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Brandon! Thanks for reading my blog! Cernovich is great and I thank him so much for advertising my blog.

      Yeah, I think it’s tough for ppl who have a certain mindset when most ppl of their own kind do not think that way.

      I can’t imagine what it’s like being a far right college kid who is not white. POC in the conservative movement are a minority. And it kinda sucks because I wish it wasn’t so lonely haha.

      I don’t know any traditional black women but I’ve met some nice Nigerian women and I’m sure tons are there in church. Best of luck w/ the search!

      Like

  6. This is Trey from CPAC and the metro train but I really enjoyed your article. It is great you can be some open and honest about yourself but also understanding why you think the way you do. Truly a rare ability.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I enjoyed reading your post very much. Very well conceived and communicated. The most important thing I always look for and value about writings like this (or any kind in general) is that it expanded my framework of thinking. That is, it got me considering things in a different way about dating, racial stereotypes, how people view themselves, and the motivations that fuel our behavior. My day is better and I think the general quality of my life has been deepened as a result of reading this.

    So again, thank you very much!

    P.s., Just in case for whatever reason you decide to follow my blog in return (I hope you do, but not offended if you don’t), I should let you know that I’m finishing up a revamp of the version I started a year and a half ago. The new version”should” launch within a week from today. I categorize it as a variety magazine spotlighting real world issues from both a fact and opinion based view, respectively. You might find it interesting if you check it out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Aleks! Thanks for your lovely comment and appreciate you for reading. I think issues of race are deeply nuanced and it was hard writing about it but it’s important to write about this stuff.

      I’ll check your blog and I look forward to reading it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Of course, you’re welcome. Given the subject matter and that it involved engaging it from a perspective of personal experience, I can well imagine how difficult it was to talk about for any number of reasons. It’s not only what you wrote about but why and how honestly you shared your thoughts throughout that earned my great interest and respect – not only for the post but also for you (as a writer and as a person). It reveals your courage and integrity. And, as someone who deeply values these qualities as well, that means so much to me. Intelligence, heart, and character are virtues that clearly resonate as defining attributes of you as an individual. Aside from all the other ways in which I’m confident you already have been, I have no doubt you possess what it takes to continue being successful in any area of your life.

    I will make it a point to keep reading your posts with great enthusiasm!

    Thanks also for your interest in my blog. The overall general purpose of my blog is to inform, to inspire, and to entertain. My specific goal is to achieve this by covering topics that are relevant and beneficial to a diverse audience that appreciates subjects which impact is all in some personal way or another. Consequently, as time goes on, my projects (such as my blog) tend to evolve as I obviously continue to grow as a person and writer. The new blog (magazine) is designed to be a step up from what I’ve done in the past. I hope you’ll find it worthwhile and engaging. As I typically encourage all my readers (be they close friends, casual acquaintance, or newcomers), total blunt honesty is always deeply prized and invited regarding any and all questions, comments, or critiques. I’m not a politically correct person and not afraid of expressions of opinions that may be totally opposed to the premise of what I write about or my own views. Being challenged by the diversity of other people’s opinions, beliefs, or ideas are in my view not only useful to each person’s individual growth, they are healthy and often exciting to explore, at least as a matter of intellectual consideration. So if and when you ever feel compelled to express your thoughts on any (or all) of my posts, by all means please feel don’t hold back and be completely free to say whatever is on your mind. Although no one sees eye to eye on everything everybody puts out in the world, freedom of expression is something I greatly advocate as a principle of honesty and individuality.

    I’m looking forward to being both challenged and simulated by our conversations in whatever form they take.

    All my best!

    Liked by 1 person

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